Transfixed
by vansen58
Summary: Lee gets a glimpse from the past and remembers the one person he truly loved above anyone else.


Note: This is my first fanfic in over 10 years, my first BSG fic ever and I'm not an English native speaker. So bear with me.

I got this stuck in my read for two days now and it just keeps weaving itself out while I'm on traffic jams. So I'm writing it.

Timeline: Sometime during Season 2. Lee is already with Dee and Anders is with the fleet.

Transfixed

Lee is on his way to the Ready Room when he hears the music in the hallway. For a second, he pays no attention to it. It's a familiar enough song. One he has heard over and over and over more times than he can count. Another second, a pause, and he wonders if that's it, he has finally crossed the line and is now officially insane. He is hearing things.

He follows the sound until he's on the pilot's recroom. The nuggets are all standing, balling over with laughter in front of the TV. Lee stops in his track and just stares at the screen in front of him.

Kara is on it. A Kara that is a million years younger. A Kara he used to know a million years ago. She is singing. The camera is closed in her face and Lee's stomach tightens to a painful knot because he knows what is coming next.

He hears the nuggets talking, but they are so far away in his mind they could be in another planet. Kat is having the time of her life watching Starbuck, of all people, singing. "Oooh, look at her closed eyes, that is just precious!" Hot Dog seems worried that his instructor is going to show up at any minute now and just blast them all to hell. He is looking at the hatch every five seconds and that's why he is the first one to notice a very weird looking Apollo standing in the hatchway. "Frak, CAG's here".

Lee doesn't pay attention, though. They all look at him, but he is just staring at the screen. The room is packed. All looking at him. Whispering at how intently he looks at Kara's face on the screen. Out of the corner of his eye he can see that Dee is there, watching him. He knows there's disapproval there. He can feel it. Doesn't care. Anders is there. Anders is always there now, even though he has no place in the pilots' areas, but no one is bold enough to kick Starbuck's boyfriend out. Anders seems just marveled at seeing Kara so young. He only notices Lee when people start turning and whispering.

Lee walks silently to the front of the TV. Pulls up a chair. Sits. He knows what this looks like. He knows he's feeding the ship's gossip for the next three or four weeks. He knows they all think this is about Kara.

This is not about Kara.

The camera finally zooms out of Kara's face and Lee knows, Lee knows, he knows and he knows what he is going to see but it still hits him like a kick in the guts and he loses his breath.

The entire room is silent now. They stopped staring at Lee and joined him in staring at the screen. At some point, each and every one of the people in this room have been to the Commander's quarters. Each and every one of the people in this room have seem the pictures the Commander keeps in his quarters. So they all can recognize the man that shows up next to Kara, smiling broadly, guitar in his hand.

Zak.

Zak smiling, Zak laughing, Zak singing, Zak playing the guitar, Zak dancing, Zak looking at Kara, Kara looking at Zak, Zak and Kara laughing and singing together. Zak and Kara. Zak and Kara, period.

Like they were a million years ago.

Lee is transfixed.

Out of the corner of his mind he hears Kat's "uh, sorry sir, we didn't know, sir, we can turn it off now, sir" and he just waves his hand sharply to keep her away from the screen. Nobody is touching that screen. He has no idea how the nuggets got this tape, but it's his now. Nobody's touching it.

His brother is alive on that tape. Lee got so used to associating the memory of Zak to the grief and the pain and the guilt, he forgot how happy and fun and beautiful his brother truly was. Beautiful. He can't stop staring.

His traitorous memory, of course, can't have none of that. No happy thoughts are allowed when his brother is on his mind. And the music is suddenly replaced in his ears by his very own voice, sounding remarkably like his father's. "If you devoted as much time to the Academy as you do to this dammed guitar, you'd be Top Gun by now". He wants to puke and die and go back in time and give Zak a brand new guitar, the most expensive one he can possibly find. He wants to go back in time and go tell his brother "frak the Academy, go play your guitar".

Some part of his brain knows that it would not have made much of a difference. The worlds still ended. Zak would probably just die two years later, with their mother. Probably with Kara too, as his wife. But Lee would have two years with his brother and right now there is absolutely nothing he would not trade for that.

He hears movement behind him and he doesn't need to turn around to see who it is. Hot Dog's panicked face is warning enough. He keeps looking at the screen, he wants to get in the screen. He feels her hand holding the back of his chair for support, he hears her deep breath. And he ventures a glance up to her face.

Hot Dog can breath easy, she is not pissed at all.

She's transfixed.

Lee knows it's petty but he can't help but look at Anders, whose glance is steadily locked on the floor now. 'That's it, buddy', he thinks. 'She may never love me like she loves you, but she'll never love you like she loved him.'

The song has changed now and Lee hardly noticed it. Zak and Kara are singing together side by side, blasting guitars and drums all around them. Their eyes are sparkling, huge matching grins on their faces.

Kara drops slowly to a chair besides his. There's water in her eyes, but she doesn't look sad. She is… serene. Her mouth moves and it takes Lee a moment to realize she is silently mouthing the lyrics. He does the only thing he can now, and puts his arm around her. And as a testament to how moved she is by this video playing in front of her, she doesn't reject it. Her head falls to his shoulder.

The room clears out slowly but it takes another three songs before Lee realizes that they are alone there and that Kara is silently crying.

It takes two more until he realizes that he's crying too.


End file.
